Writing, Friends and Chronic Illness

Last week was very productive. I finally got my second article sent off to “The People’s Tribune” a paper which I have written for in the past. The writing process this time around was much less stressful. Least of all, my Hyperacusis was under control compared to last time. Both the articles I’ve written deal with education, specifically Democratic Schools such as the Sudbury Valley School in Framingham, Massachusetts and The Albany Free School in Albany, New York. The rest of my week was wonderful to say the least. My good friend, who I talked about in my last post, came to visit. We had a marvelous time simply hanging out, catching up on each other’s lives, and listening to music. He let me know he was going to be around over Christmas break and would like to see me then as well.

Friendship is a funny thing when you are going though a chronic illness like Hyperacusis, or any illness where isolation is one of the symptoms. The majority of my other friends (although we remain great friends) haven’t visited me as often as the friend mentioned in my last post. He has been far and above the most active in my life since my Hyperacusis. By active I mean that he comes to visit as often as he can. In short he has been there for me through the thick and thin of it. My other friends, by contrast, support me, it seems, from afar. Their support is very meaningful; however, when you’re dealing with a chronic illness, face-to-face time with the ones you love and cherish becomes even more essential. And as far as the Hyperacusis is concerned, even if we can’t talk to each other, just seeing a human face can remind me that I am still myself and that my disease is only one aspect, and not the totality of who I am. The one other friend who has done a wonderful job is my childhood friend, who used to be my neighbor. To give you an idea of what he’s like, when I called him up in terrible pain from the Hyperacusis and my hand and wrist issues, he immediately said, “Well, I have to get the fuck over there then.” No questions, no trying to convince me otherwise, just a no-nonsense recognition of my needs. These two friends were able to provide the same comfort to me though in very different ways. I feel so grateful to all my friends and family for having the courage to see me through these difficult times.

An Amazing Friend

This post was written on Sunday, at the beginning of the week. So the perspective is from that point of view. I was going to have this post up by Monday, as I usually do, but had to make sure it was okay with my friend to post this.

I’m sitting in my kitchen on my MacBook Pro not sure what to write. I’ve let it get too late again! My mind is simply blank. It refuses to cooperate. Okay I have a topic! A good friend of mine is coming over to visit this week. I haven’t seen him since last summer. We became friends in high-school, though at the time we met each other, he was still in middle school. I remember walking up to him when I needed to barrow a pencil. We were in the main room of our school, which is scattered with computers. I walk up to the desk he was sitting at and ask him, with monumental-sized trepidation. “Um… could I barrow a pencil.” He turns and I think he smiled at me but what I remembered most about him was his voice, his tone was warm, comforting, and genuine. It was like helping me was no trouble at all. I could tell he genuinely wanted to help. This was in contrast to my classmates who were in the same year with me. They had grown tired of me constantly loosing my pencils and pens.

Over the years years our friendship has blossomed. We’ve played in our school band together, done filmmaking in our TV/Media class, and we both have a love of music. He also has an interest in science, one that I don’t share, but I’ve tried in the past to ask him questions about it. This is often difficult for those of us with Aspergers because with our special interests so prominent in our minds, we tend to forget to ask our friends about their interests. Although my friend has been more than aware of this and seems to take in in stride. One special memory I have of our friendship (it’s actually when it really began, the pencil incident was just me asking him for a favor) is when we were out on a field trip with our TV/Media class. We had stopped at a diner to have a bite to eat, I was looking at the table where the high school students were sitting and decided to sit with him and his two friends. As is often with my memories I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember the emotions and images of that day. We were sitting at a table in the restaurant which was white long with yellow chairs. The ceiling and walls were also white. Their were plenty windows as well, giving the restaurant a cheery look. We started to order and I became nervous. I was aware that if we ordered too much food, we would be short on cash. We decided to all share our money, and pay for our meals collectively. After we had ordered our food, conversation started. I was stunned. It was the most natural conversation with others outside of my close friends and family I had ever had. This was the first time in my life I truly felt comfortable and safe with a group of friends. I didn’t feel the need to put on any sort of pretense. (Something people with Aspergers find very difficult to do – it slows our processing down.) Everyone at the table seemed to genuinely want me to be there. We joked and laughed and the conversation seemed effortless on my part.

As we left the restaurant, My friend saw a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk leaning up against the restaurant’s building. He proceeded to reach into his wallet to give the man some money. My friend’s friend (who had sat with us in the restaurant) quickly stared discouraging this. His tone was at first dismissive but when my friend wouldn’t back down our friend’s tone became assertive I seem to recall him warning us that the homeless man would probably squander the money so it wasn’t worth anything thing giving it to him. Our friend was able to convince my friend not to give the man money and we continued on our way back to school.

I didn’t notice it at the time, but my friend’s generous gesture towards the homeless man, is a core part of who he is. He is now at Stanford where he is studying Computer Science. I have to say, as a beginning programmer, it’s really helpful to have him as a friend. He has helped me with my programming, on multiple occasions. Our friendship means the world to me. And yet it started in such an ordinary way. But even when I first met him, I could tell that here was someone who was truly genuine. One of those rare people you meet once in a lifetime, who even when you hardly know each other is able to put you at ease. I feel privileged to know him and consider myself lucky, because those of us with Aspergers find it hard, and sometimes next to impossible to make friends.

How I View Friendships – Age Need Not Apply

My view of friendships has changed throughout my life. When I was young, I didn’t even have a “view” of friendship. I simply made friends with people based on whether I felt comfortable around them or not. Another unique thing was that I didn’t have the normal aversion to becoming friends with adults that most kids seem to have. In large part, I think I owe this to my Aspergers. I consider this one of its positive aspects.

As a young kid, one of my special interests was, and still is, audio gear which led to a friendship with an adult outside my immediate family. I was outside walking down our street in Oakland, California when I heard music coming from the small apartment next door to our house. Now, you have to understand, stereos and the music that came from them were like gravity to me. I was simply attracted to them, like a moth to a flame. So, when I heard the music coming from the apartment, I just had to investigate. I was about three or four years old at the time, and I didn’t have the concept of stranger in my head just yet. Looking back on the whole thing, I was extremely lucky.

Fortunately, the man who lived next door was very kind and soft-spoken, qualities I still admire in people. He had a pretty nice stereo system which intrigued me because he had a similar receiver to the one my parents owned. The man liked classic R&B, so we spent a lot of time listening to that style of music.

After the first visit, we quickly became friends. I remember going to his place regularly to hang out and listen to music with him. This wonderful experience led me to the conclusion that I really didn’t, and still don’t, consider age an insurmountable factor in a decision to become friends with somebody. Far more important, in my opinion, is a person’s character and/or personality.

In my adult life, my propensity to form friendships with those of widely different ages has continued. For example, I’m friends with two wonderful middle-school kids. (We met through our parents who are friends.) In high school, I also had a number of friends who were in that same younger age group. (I went to a 6th – 12th grade charter school.) I find their energy and vitality amazing and wonderful. Also, I don’t have a problem with hanging out with my younger cousins. I enjoy them immensely. Most of the cousins in my family who are close to my age are gamers, something that I was interested in but not now owing to the chronic pain in my hands and wrists.

In short, I feel blessed to have friends and be close to family members who differ widely in age. I consider it a sad commentary on our modern way of life that friendships between people of different ages are considered taboo. I understand the need to protect our children from predators but feel we are doing ourselves a disservice by not helping or allowing our children to cultivate healthy multi-age friendships.