In my last post about moving out, I talked about some psychological and spiritual realizations about my chronic pain and Hyperacusis. Despite these beneficial discoveries the reality is I still need attendants. The attendants help me with tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and keeping me company. For a long time, I’ve been hesitant about reveling this. As you can probably tell, by how I write I’m not exactly struggling cognitively. It is the chronic pain in my hands and wrists combined with my Hyperacusis that prevents me from being able to do the housekeeping tasks that my attendants so graciously perform on my behalf. I would do these tasks myself if I could, but I am simply unable to for now. One of the most painful things is knowing that I have the cognitive ability to perform these tasks. For example if my little cousin walked in and wanted to learn how to cook I can teach her, but I cannot perform this task myself. In the past this has created a huge amount of embarrassment. I’d watch my mom cutting up my food at family gatherings and wonder what others might be thinking, particularly my younger cousins. As illogical as it seems I actually thought that I was setting a bad example for them. I also feared that they would possibly judge me. This was in spite of consistent reassurance from those around me, particularly my therapist, that my younger cousins probably didn’t think one way or another about it. If they did they kept it to themselves.
Of course another aspect about having attendants are the attendants themselves, that is, their personalities. One of the things I enjoy about having attendants is the window into the diverse sea of human personalities. It is immensely helpful in sharpening my social blades, if you will. My attendant from Boston, is interesting to say the least. Having never met anyone from the East Coast I was completely unprepared for East Coast directness. In fact, the first time we met he said that I couldn’t say anything that would offend him. I thought this was quite a statement, and a bold one at that. And I will admit to having a dirty thought float through my brain which almost came out of my mouth as a method to test the bluntness of his statement. In my head I was basically thinking “Really? Are you for real? There has to be something I can say to offend you”, hence the dirty thought. Since then I’d say we’ve become friends. Having said that, it has been the strangest friendship I’ve ever had. There’s a grumpiness to him and also a world weariness, but as time goes by I find myself getting more and more use to it.
At the opposite end of the spectrum there is Senait a lovely Eritrean-American. I would describe her personality as bubbling away with optimism and happiness, as oppose to the Bostonian’s grumpiness. We quickly became friends. I feel completely comfortable with her. In fact, we often have dinner together. During one of our dinners Senait started showing me pictures of herself because she wanted to dye her hair. As I looked at one of the pictures, I noticed how good looking she was. I put her phone down and decided to simply be honest and tell her what I thought. In response, she said that she wished that more guys were like me. This made me feel a bit awkward but I don’t feel like getting into my political views around gender. As far of other aspects of Senait’s personality are concerned, she is simply a lovely person. Senait is the attendant I have the closest working relationship with.
Getting comfortable with having attendants has been a long journey for me. When I first started I was filled with embarrassment. I was ashamed of having to need help, because of the gulf between my intellectual abilities and physical limitations. To a large extent this has been overcome. I can now talk freely with almost everyone of my attendnts. Even more important I have become comfortable, with letting the different relationships I have with each attendant be as they are. Overall I feel like I’m in a period of intense growth, which has its joys and sorrows, but it wouldn’t be growth if it didn’t.
A Rare Life 
This is real protein stuff, full of great writing. You have always had so much to say, a very unique perspective on the world etc., and now your style is carrying your thoughts. Write from a deep place and you will always find your voice…. Write, write, write!